This (not so) tiny human is my youngest. We tried for over 3 years…and finally with the help of fertility science we got pregnant with you. I will always remember the day the doctor looked at me and told me my miracle wasn’t viable. I can tell you what that room looked like, smelled liked and felt like as if I where in it still. The next week and a half I cried…and waiting for any sign of a miscarriage. I felt dead inside. Angry at why it has to be so hard…when it’s seemly so simple for others. The day came when I had to go back in to confirm what the doctors suspected…I walked into that same room and waited to hear them say again I’m sorry there is no heart beat”. Instead I watched the screen and saw the flicker of your heartbeat. Tears roll down my face as I write this. You wereokay….you where viable.
For the entire pregnancy you made your presence very known lol. I vomited day and night, I couldn’t even hold down water. But it was all worth it, and I’d do it all over again. You test me at every turn, and melt my heart with your smile. You crawl into my lap and whisper “I love you mama” every morning when you wake up. I feel beyond grateful for that, that everyday I get to look into your eyes and tell you I love you…hold you in my arms…watch you grow and change.
For the longest time I never spoke about my experience with infertility…recently I posted about my son and received multiple messages in regards to the post. I am sharing now so that maybe someone reads it a doesn’t feel alone in their journey. Know that infertility fucking sucks, but you shouldn’t be ashamed or scared to share your story like I was. My so called (now estranged ) family told me I was selfish for wanting more children. Told me when I had my son that I was a terrible mother because breast feeding him was taking away time from my oldest (step) daughter. That I should have been happy just with her. The same “family” told me I would make a terrible mother and that I should never have children. Demanded that I didn’t rub my belly in their presence because it was “ridiculous”. Everyday I make sure my children know how loved and wanted they are…
